Mercy

I found a smile unlike any other
This smile is dangerous for it can knock a man off his feet
But that is not the worse part of it
It is one that cannot be unseen
It draws you in for the kill
And it does
Forgetting everything else
You chase it like a hound
Crazily chasing pain
Like a drug, addictive you are
It cannot be unseen
I am at the mercy of her smile

4:17am 20 November 2011

Infinita Mortem

(This has been written as my mind drifted into the topic. I do not claim to be right.)

The nature of man.

To take, without code.

Codes are but an imaginary guideline to which every man believes he does right.

Maybe he does, but under whose law?

God? And by which god?

I found my self in a seemingly one way conversation with God.

A lot of "why?", "how?", and "when?"

Not even sure if I can trust my judgement in my own choice to pray when I cannot even fully trust my fellow men anymore.

This world is just full of lies and deceit.

Ultimately, one ends up feeling the cold tip of the knife from the back penetrating through and through the mortal life motor.

It is man's nature to take, and expect to see smiles as we do.

There should be a meter for everything a man takes and receives.

Man speaks equality and justice but there has not been an entire day that all mankind has seen it so through everything.

Man, always wanting what it can't have.

Man, losing importance for his gain, blindly taking and not seeing the loss of who he takes from.

And yet he complains of what he loses.

Infinita Mortem - Infinite Death.

Man always turns his soul over recklessly.

3:08am 29 November 2011

My Vixen

I am at your feet, my lady

Young and fragile.

You have my protection,

I am at your command.

Tame me and let me count your scars.

You hold my heart

So stay near

A man needs his heart.

Shall I not breathe in your love

I am at your feet, my lady

Young and fragile.

3:30am 14 October 2011

Fragility

Where the wheels of fate make it's path
Look at the man next to you will he be in the way?
Or will you taste the twist of fate?
When the silence overwhelms and the ground shakes of terror
Look around and watch them break to dust
And from dust to thought
And smiles to freezing breath of ice
I hold you dear
I keep you near
I can never see you pass
Not before me
So please don't go
Please don't break
There is always more in this place
For us to take, if not the world
We can stand, just please don't break

Sacrifice

Have you ever felt you've sacrificed everything for nothing?
Then let me tell you this.
You have not sacrificed everything.
Not until you don't expect anything in return.
Not even the luxury of feeling the worth of your sacrifice.
It's basic, but as human beings we often have to be reminded of these things.

2:28am 28 September 2011

7:28am 07 Sept 2011

I just woke up, it's 7:21 am. I'm pretty sure I went to sleep after 4am.

I just had a nightmare. I saw an old woman crying that turned into a creature with multiple eyes just where her eyes start and her hair ends. She screamed as her eyes multiplied. I saw a man turn into clay and shatter as he walked pass me. I felt the flapping of wings fly around my back like a thousand cockroaches making their presence felt.

Then I think Raiden spoke to me. Or at least someone who resembles Raiden from the first Mortal Combat movie. I know, a bit funny now but the conversation I believe was serious. I only remember our last words which went like this:

Me: "Nothing I can do, it is done."

Raiden: "You can't cure reality when reality is part of the cure."

7:28am 07 Sept 2011

The Dance

I have this recurring dream

Never exactly the same

I remember it because like I said, I had it a few times

It is never exactly the same but there is that one lady

She always spoke to me

Never in the same setting or situation

It is like I should say something

But I know I always say the wrong thing just right before I wake

This lady, I remember to be beautiful, simple, elegant

If only I remember the question

Maybe I can think through my answers before the next time she visits

I have this feeling that we are one

And another feeling that we may never meet

And another that if we do meet, I will fail to answer her once again

These dreams, even if it seems to be nothing...

It bothers me

And sleep turns difficult once again

1:57am 07 August 2011

Fire

There is more to be said, but it's not time for words

In the deepest blank thought, ...

Why you? Why me? Why does it matter?

It just does, but this does not fill my appetite for a more concrete answer

I cannot move, not without being a slave to deceit

Not without destroying what still has to be fixed

And not to dishonor the memories of late

The noise, the silence, what about it? Do you ask?

Nothing.

It is but the roaming of the mind and the soul of whatever lingers in me

Don't stray, please don't stray

I mean you no harm

I would not see it so

But leave if you see it best

If you sense my wrath upon others brought upon you as well

It is my anger, it is all I know for now

But have faith in me, please.

4:53pm 07 July 2011

Dream (My Lady)

She is a tease to me. "Why?", you ask. I don't talk to her much and maybe it is an infatuation. I don't talk to her much and it is my rule that it will never be, because I do not know what she is about, hence it is an infatuation due to the beauty she possesses. But she is the idea, the long forgotten want of my earlier years, the early teen years. Oh yes, the one I always seen my self with. I miss those days, but those days are long forgotten. And there is no place for being young in a world that has killed honor and virtue. But in my world, I would be her lord and she would be my lady. "Why not king and queen?". We do not seek that high a role in this world. The dust the world keeps, and the world itself is our home. That makes us soul mates. But she will never be mine. She will be the one who I will always see away from my house. This place has been cruel enough to not make us land the same tide and see the same light. But she is my lady in this mind.

3:08am 03 June 2011

Alive

I know what it feels like. If I were to describe it, I would say that it's like a box of ice cream with half of the content smoothly scooped out. I can feel it from the center of my chest to my left arm to it's fingers. There will always be something missing. I find it difficult to find the right hour of rest. I can't love and I can't grieve. I can smile, I can be angry, I can laugh, I can be apathetic, I can stare into your eyes and tell you the truth. Well, at least the truth I believe. I eat, sleep, walk, talk, tell jokes, complain, be glad, and respect you. But I am here now on my bed, like every night at this hour. I will once again close my eyes and wait for sleep to come. There will always be something missing.

4:57am 30 May 2011

Anywhere

A cripple creeps along the courtyard

Unseen and unheard, he creeps forward

No place to go yet a path to take

"Keep moving", a voice tells him for his own sake

Now let's forget about the rhymes

This man has nothing

And nothing he forever shall have

Choices now are for the greater to make

And he be a paper figure on hand

But just keep moving

Forward and wherever

Anywhere is better than anchored to the ground

"I may never stand", he said

"But I always have somewhere to go"

10 May 2011 3:25am

Enter the Fjord

Break down the barriers and sip into the earth

see deeper into the valleys that shelter their hate

Cause no agony and blend your disgust

To begin the new and shatter the old

See the beauty there is in what they have withheld

What you held back

The cold is just the start

Of what is to be their demise

A whisper of disruption to take on what will be

And it shall be

There is no action that leads not to freedom

And there is no cause greater than will

This time we make it ours

This time we take what's ours

This time, we break free

7 May 2011 12: 17

All Shall Perish - The Last Relapse Mp3 | MP3-Codes.com

All Shall Perish - The Last Relapse Mp3 | MP3-Codes.com

December

I guess I have learned to be cold

I don't mean to be cold to you

I would apologize if I thought you would believe it from my face

But truth be told, I never meant any harm

I will no longer be watching

These eyes have just seen enough

These hands done what they could

These lips said every word at least once

And this soul shattered after breaking a thousand times

I guess I just am cold now

Wretched

Ahh, the world suggests no calm

For when it's you that needs the silence

The aching soil on which you stand offer no rest

Not even time will show mercy

The trees shrug and the wind screams

Gaze upon your reflection

There will be nothing

There will be no one

Whither away, as sand.

25 April 2011

Your Time

I see your wretched smile and hear your cursed laughter

You have no place here

This is my apocalypse

Your time will come

When flesh devours flesh

And none shall be left

All will be gone

And the days will be darkened by blood

The blood of the fallen and the blood of your children

I will watch you suffer as you witness their cries

Spill the life out of your throat and I will find my peace

You are a plague that which the world suffers

I am the cure, the anger, the last few of my kind

We would watch you fall

Even if we fall right after

So, please just die

22 April 2011

War and Nightmare

A mass of voices screams of torment
The loud silence that strikes your spine like a dagger
This means nothing much to the ones in it's pit
I have only once felt the need to help
There will be no aid from man or beast
I would rather be the villain than see you fall by your own hands

Ashes

Dispensable as we are, we are still here...

With no questions asked, set it all a blaze...

Watch the fire burn...

Burn with me, till the ashes fly to where it belongs...

Then leave it where it lay..

14 August 2006

A Dream

I had a dream last night. I only remembered it a few hours ago.

There was a rabid dog of some sort leashed and caged a few feet away from me. I don't know, but I only turned my back on it for one second and the next thing I knew it, I was being attacked. The dog chewed on my left leg and on my right forearm. I did my best to fight back and ended up killing it. I asked help from people but they did not seem to have care for my condition. Not that I blame them. Some people just don't realize the severity of other people's discomfort. I ended up sitting and waiting for the inevitable.

That was my dream.

4:09am 27 March 2011

Smile

There is a smile that chills the air

The darkness of night does not show it

The flower on the tree has withered

And the scent has gone

The breath of change has come

A walk of pride and honor does suggest heavily

A burden no more in the world does the heart feel

Taste what is to come

Along the path some flowers still bloom

The answer of questions raised

A man must accept his fate

Or be destroyed by it

Now Smile

1:11AM 23 March 2011

Distance In Adoration

I saw a memory that I thought had passed me ages ago

I saw my childhood today

Couldn't help but smile the whole time

I could feel wings flapping in my belly

And a voice asking me to speak

Don't speak, you'll embarrass yourself

It's been so long but I remember being speechless in your presence

I still am

I think you know

But maybe you don't

I just might leave it at that

There are some words not meant to be spoken

This just might be one of those

It was good to have to smile though

Until next time, I can't wait

12:24am 18 March 2011

Of Less Light

I sit silently

Enough to even turn the skies grey

It's not the situation

It's the chair

And the distance

Of which the serpent's breath fills the air

Between this chair

And everywhere else in this place

This place still knows me

Though I am not coming back

Here, I am dead

I am lifeless amongst the damned

I sit silently

Victim to Eros no more

Yes, even the dead can dodge arrows

11:16pm 16 March 2011

Hail The Horsemen (Lyrics for a song I'm writing: To be positive about yourself)

Welcome to the apocalypse

Are you prepared to face the abyss?

Look into yourself and answer

Have you been all you should be?

Made the choices you could show your god

Kept yourself against inhumanity

Broken, fixed, stand and call yourself

Righteous

Are you ready for the apocalypse?

Take a bow, raise your head

See what lies are real amongst the dead

Loose your ground when all it shakes

But stand up after the quake

Then you'll see if you can be

Ready for the apocalypse

So, what say you?

Burn on earth and freeze in hell

The time is near

So have your answer

Fade to this, will the end be your path

Or will you keep yourself intact?

Distraction

Something has really gotten out of hand. Has my actions from the past echoed to my present that much? I never wanted this. There were things I should and should not have done, I know. I have no real intentions. I only have questions. And now, more questions seem to keep me up. Or keep me down, should be the right thing to say. Echo. Sleep. And never come back. I tried to be as civil and clear minded. Why am I accused for something I never did? Now, like I said, I don't care. Yes, say that I do. I have only used my eyes. Neglected to hear. And had spoken, but not anymore. I don't want to remember anymore if all I will see are shadows and all I can hear are echoes. I hate you, I love you. You still don't know that I know what you did. I was awake. I did not leave just yet. I heard. I trusted you make the decision to be loyal. You didn't. I knew you were trying to fix things with me. I tried, it was not easy. It's difficult to fix something while trying to hold your heart in place. I was holding it. I kept it there. Until I saw you with him. And that smile I saw from his face just reminded me of the demon smile of a criminal. How could you do this to me? I gave you all my love. I stayed loyal. I did everything for you. I almost rushed you to the hospital when I heard you fall. I told you I'll love you always. You told me that there can be no one else and it was just me. Where has this gone? How can you say you want to get married when this could happen just like that? How can you be with someone that everyone knows has someone else? How can you, someone I know, knew wanted to do all sort of decent and right things, to fix, to help. You, who told me stories of assholes you've met and heard about, and bitches you hate their names. I do not understand. I have not asked. I do not want to offend you.

I never tried to steal your friends. You introduced them to me to be my friends as well. And so, they too are my friends. I cannot say goodbye. I did say it but I cannot accomplish it. My friends were not as present as yours, so I complained about my situation to them. Not to give you a difficult time. I needed people to talk to. I needed to weep. Remember that night I promised to leave them alone. I did. I will not be a jerk and not reply when someone talks to me, especially if they talk to me decently. And I know how good people they are. I did not attempt anything of the sort to steal them from you. Why do you accuse me of this? What is running through your head? What has been going on with you these past few months? Who are you? You're still there, I know. The you I know is still there. Come back. You don't even have to come back to me. Just remember your footsteps. You are breaking my heart more this way. Please, come back.

The Half Fallen

I have seen a few stars when I gazed upon the heavens

And the moon has not shined upon me since that day

This is what it feels like

To bleed

To hate

To love

To break

The sky has no favor amongst men

The world is but a breath

And the path you choose is inevitable

To pierce your soul

To create a barrier from realization

To breathe real air but not realize you're suffocating

Your chest collapses in the space you're bound to

There is no escape

You have fallen

And fallen even more

You beg forgiveness for something you're not sure you have fault

"The tides will not turn", is something you know

Yet you tell yourself it will always be better

Your tears will fall in vain

But I will not cry

At least allow me this, oh cruel world

Have you not taken enough?

The sky bleeds red as I see it in my eyes

The crowd smiles and spits upon your face

They do not know what you think or feel

They may know similar

But never the same

A rogue

A colt

A dream yet to be seen for it is alone in queue

I can taste the scent of every breath she has made

And that alone is enough to take me to this place

She is not with me yet she is always in my thoughts

I plead to forget but my heart won’t allow it

The silence never seems to make itself useful

Instead, it crowds your thoughts of nostalgia and grief of loss

No, she is not dead

I am.

The only light I get is but a brief sense of peace

There is no peace

There is no rest

I will carve the lights of the cosmos to blend with my pain

I can see no other way

I must stay alive

Even if it means the death of my name and my castle

Cursed be the land

For it has no use to me

Cursed be the skies for it has forsaken me

And cursed be the creature that calls themselves "man"

For they are but less

I am less

My heart has not broken

It has been stabbed by love

Still the greatest weapon there is

A low blow to the soul's groins

FFFFFFFFF ack!

Tweeeeet!

And Baaaaa!

I am okay

The silence will once again be my friend

The life I had before is now mine again

Thank you for the love

Thank you for the kisses

The hugs

The promises

Thank you world for your filth

I am sad to say I cannot repay you

I do not have it in me

I have outgrown your ways

5:57Am 11 March 2011

I Scribbled This Back In 2006 (I have no title)

I am a man who started as a boy with countless opportunities in this world. It's no figure of speech. As time can cruelly be, he slowly or quickly took away most of them. I don't blame time. My choices every time I found my self in crossroads have not exactly been the wisest choices to make, considering how the world works. I do not regret them, for I have kept my self along the way. Instead, I now see that there was more than just 'A' or 'B'. That's what I was always afraid of. Having more choices than what makes life easier. Why? Because, having more than two choices means there are more chances to make a mistake and fail. I was wrong. I never saw the other half of it, there is also more chances for me to succeed in succeeding. I am now one who can't really tell you who he is. No words can really describe a person for who he/she is. I can look at you and guess what made you you but cannot still describe who you are. Your face does not leave a mark on me at all; it's who you were when I knew you. I only hope, if you see things the same as I, that I am known to you as a good man.

I bleed, I cry, I laugh, I smile, I'm intelligent, I'm a dumb ass, I am funny, I am sad, I am irritating, I am loveable, I am angry. What else? I care too much for others. I respect too much, trust too easily, I love, I hate, I feel pain, I tend to be apathetic in times, and I am a raging ball of fiery rolled something. Whew! Yes, I am that. I am more and so are you. I do not choose to be angry; I don't remember why I easily get angry. Sometimes, what one needs to do is to get angry. Just be careful not to lose yourself completely. Even if it means being angry without acting upon it to others.

I have experienced this. I do not understand the breakups, when promises have been made. I am not one to give my word about something that easily. Remember? That night, you asked me why I see you. I said, "Because I have fallen deeply in-love with you and I will love you ALWAYS". Now, I'm at work. I can't do my job properly, but I'm doing my best. I cannot play with my words like you do. I do not see what you see. I will be a better man. That, I promise.

If there is one thing I would want to say to you. It would be that I love you completely so please look enough to know that you're the one I want to go through time with.

23 January 2006

Thoughts of a Babbling Fool

There are a few things that probably can cause an enormous, ungainly, spontaneous change in most human beings. I, for one, am not entirely sure what they are. Why the intro then? There is no point to it. As a matter of fact, I could care less about why, who, where, when, what the significance of the causes are. It's there, that's all there is to know. Yes, I often wonder why and what. But every answer I come across has only opened another question then mostly goes to a cycle or questions before reaching the pre-destined web of questions that I should have foreseen. We grew up with these. Consciousness and choice. Although most of what we know is a reflection of what everyone else knows based on what everyone else know, knew, and who knows what else. We were all taught something, a few things. Learned a few things as well, as long as our will takes over, or in most cases the will of others. We all know how wrong is often made rather than the right and still we believe we're right even if our right is not necessarily the right of the other person we've wronged. It's a shame there is no real standard to human values. But nether the less, we have always chosen what we believe is right because of feeling. Now, what trained this feeling? Is it what we were taught? IS it what we have learned? Is it our consciousness or our unconsciousness? Or is it something we would like to believe in Just because at some point of our lives, at a most likely forgotten day of event, we heard/saw/felt/tasted something better than what we always had? These are all just questions that relate to the human zombie autopilot reckless beings that we are.

I am writing this to gather my thoughts, so I apologize for sounding a little pathetic or stupid. It's just difficult to understand why choices always have to have consequences. "To every action there is always an equal reaction". Yes you've heard of this. Everyone has. It's not difficult at all to comprehend yet it is something a few really learn early. My couch in basketball told us before that "you have not learned anything until you have applied it". I always remembered that because I always thought it was something worth keeping and something to help me through the coming years. Yes, it has helped. Not in a way that necessarily made me apply things immediately. I did my fare part to experience the opposite of my credo. Now, after all those adventures, I made it a mission not to repeat them. Yes, I did fail at much, but I also succeeded with the most important parts of my beliefs and values. There are still more of the important choices to make. It was made clear to me due to recent events. Although, I still know that no matter what those are, they or at least most of them is more likely not to matter at all. My hands alone cannot build bridges.

Let's evaluate this nonsense I have just written. Or not. There is no point to these thoughts I have been babbling about the past 10 minutes.

1:27am 3 March 2011

Booze

It's just like heaven

The feeling of bliss

An escape

Something To hold

To quench your thirst

The feeling can just last all night

Something you keep looking for

Don't need to think about tomorrow

It's just so good to live in the moment

The night is yours and you know it

Life is that moment

The scent of freedom overpowers

It's a celebration

It's just like heaven.

Soon, when you wake

Your heart will feel the pain

As if it wants to leave you

For all you've done and had

Like it despises you

Before that, your head will tell you not to get up

Not again, "Stay down"

Every movement you make makes you feel worse

You'll want to remember what happened the night before

But you wouldn't want to strain yourself thinking about it

You tell yourself, "Never again"

Of course, in time you forget

And then you indulge your self once again.

3:36 pm 9 March 2011

Prōdigere

When you've made your choice

Stand by it, live the roller coaster life

Have the excitement you crave

Be as young as you can be

Reckless

Take life in your hands and laugh at death

Feel the caress of temptation

And feed your hunger

Feel the fight

Raise your chin or break your heart in tears

Don't look back now

Only look back if there is still land behind you

But you're too far offshore

Look forward and swim in this world of "happiness"

Then, when all bones show through your beat up skin

A slap to the face by fate and time

Try to swim the more difficult path back

There just might be something to stand on

3:39am 7 March 2011

Fall

It's hard to say that I know the people around me. For now, all I can see is dust.

1:01pm 13 December 2010

Patriotism

I think "patriotism" only gives strength to the system and fuels ignorance. Instead of being proud for something i was born in, I will be proud to be able to live a well humane life...

10:37pm 7 October 2010

Comrade

Raise your hands

No matter what the cause

And through everything

These hands, we still have

Through everything

We can still raise our hands

Scream if you must

Dance

Smile

Laugh

Cry

Just raise them

I will raise mine with you

So keep them high

3:38am 6 March 2011

Broken Love Letter

You know I wouldn't have let you go that night.

There was more that I could offer

And because I'm insanely in love with you.

But because you insisted it was what you needed

And because I love you that much

I let you go.

Must be the worst decision I have ever made

And now there is nothing but mistakes.

You were never a mistake.

And I just want you to know that.

But it may be too late.

I love you, with all that is in me and all that is my being.

1:05 am 3 March 2011

This Place

It's a new day!

The sun is up and there will be smiles.

Step out and see the rain and the angry faces

"Good morning, Sunshine!"

That is the worlds greeting

The world is cruel but it's the only world we have

7:33pm 3 March 2011

Ronin

There is a man that stands as he is
without lie, without guilt, without true fault
This man, one with regret, but won't be the man he is
He is angry, hiding it as if it was nothing
This man has fought countless battles
Be it the battle with others or himself
The question of what honor is crosses his mind
Is it worth the joy of what he once had?
Will this world continue to grow filthy as he still stands as one?
The tired man faces only a blade as his fate
This world does not deserve the honor of such a man
Oh, comrades, there is no place for men without anything to fight for
There is only a man, a sword, a belief, and his honor
How can one fight a world without it?
How can one live without the fight?
Still be the water and calm be the night
This man has one last fight

3 March 2011 12:37am

The Prayer of Defeat

God, why must you do this to me?

Am I not tormented enough?

Should I be expecting more?

Oh God, take me away.

I have not let go of any weight this world has given me.

And I cannot carry anymore.

Take me away, or take away my burdens.

Make the water still and the noise fade.

Take away everything but take ME away as well.

I cannot be completely happy knowing what I know.

And the world just keeps falling.

I did my best, I have not done my time.

Yet I have done enough for the time I'm bound.

I can only feel the bad and worse.

I don't remember the good anymore.

1 March 2011 1:50am

Truth

You think you know truth?

I have shown you truth.

I can still show some more.

This is truth,

The lies I had to hear and had to say

to keep our truth at it's place.

After, there is but malice in the grave

I did not help you dig.

Pity, grieve and applaud

the clown has risen.

Pretend to keep what's right

and assume lies as the gentlest whisper.

These were not ours.

These became ours.

Come back to me.

With truth or with lies.

Truth be told, I can go another round.

28 Feb 2011

Prepare For Not Being Prepared

It was not an unusual night. There was the cold breeze, the darkness, and some people walking by who looked like they were part of a movie set. There was this particular woman, wearing a white dress that night. It‘s hard to describe exactly what she was wearing. It was simple and elegant. She was beautiful in her simplicity. She reminded me of garden party scenes. Someone you know would be easy to love and easy marry.

I noticed it was late, so I knew I had to be going home. I decided to go to a bar and get a beer. Just one beer wouldn’t hurt; I was not in a hurry for anything. This proves how pointless my opening statement was.

At the bar, there were more foreigners than natives and for some reason I felt more comfortable. At least I didn’t have to worry about anyone I know seeing me at that time. There was this man, though. He was also a foreigner. You know how open they are to just talk to anyone? Well, he did talk to me. I sort of didn’t mind but I was hearing him blabber about his daughter and how beautiful she was and how single she was too. Now, that may be fine but I really wasn’t interested. I didn’t know how to give him a “leave me alone” gesture that wouldn’t be offensive. And so, I just listened to him talk about everything that I don’t know and have no plans of knowing about. I blanked out of course. Then the inevitable, my one bottle beer turned into two bottles, then three. Later, I was surrounded by foreign women and what seemed to be their husbands near the billiard table. Well, I cannot be entirely sure, but I believe they weren’t all married, because I wouldn’t have my arm around one of the foreign women that night. Yes, I was drunk. I thought I needed to get away before I do anything stupid. I knew where this was going.

So, I tripped and tumbled on my way out of the bar. I think I even bumped my head on one of the posts holding the roof of the walkway. I was trying to remember how much I drank while walking home, just so walking home won’t feel like walking home.

As I neared the place I reside in, I couldn’t help but overhear the arguments of a couple who were just a few meters from me. They were in my path. The man talked argued that the woman cheated first, and the woman argued that she wouldn’t have done that if he wasn’t close enough to another woman that it seemed that he was also cheating. I wasn’t as drunk anymore upon hearing something I would call harsh equality. I tried my best not to look at them but I don’t think they even knew that I was present and was passing by. I thought of the woman I saw earlier that night. You know, the beautiful, elegant woman in white. If only it were that easy. But I know from experience that the love I seek is not the easy love. Yes, easy to fall in-love with, but not so easy as to keep. So, the marriage part, even if I know that I cannot provide what is needed in the physical world. I know I’m ready for everything else. It’s just strange that we, as flawed beings of this universe, always complicate what is already complicated to begin with, when it’s as easy as breathing.

May 2009

I

The gravity of damnation

The crowd of footprints and the senseless conversations

Never occurred it will be gone

Now what?

Where is my noise?

Confined in your temple

Alive and lost for the brightest of days,

and gluttonous beings draw near

Whose words say some minds are resolute and obstinate?

Learned for no cause, a senseless endeavor in all empty space

All chaos intertwined, blindly known

Must be why immortality is "impossible" to grasp

While tears of our unfaithful truths ascend as screams

All that filth

When chivalry is lost, I will no longer be in your courts

When you descend by your own will, it's all yours to pay

This won't end well, but I look forward to facing it

8 May 2009

Waiting

I now know why "breakups" or "cool-offs" are difficult. It's the fact that you wouldn't know how bad or worse things could get in the near future. It’s like Schrodinger’s cat; in the experiment, where a cat is put in a box along with a flask containing poison and a radioactive source, is placed in a sealed box. If an internal Geiger counter detects radiation, the flask is shattered, releasing the poison that kills the cat. Now, you’re going to have to open the box to find out if the cat is dead or alive. You would have to live with the assumption that the cat is still alive or dead. In that sense, the cat is simultaneously alive and dead. Yet, when we look in the box, we see the cat is alive or dead, not both alive and dead. At least that’s according to Copenhegen interpretation.

Looking into the “alive or dead” part of the experiment in relation to my current situation, I will never be sure that she will still have the same feelings that I have for her in the long run of this situation. And she too should be thinking the same of me, at least that’s how I see it. But I will never change my mind about her.

Now, going to the “dead and alive” bit of the example given, I have no clue what so ever to what that means. All I can say is that I interpret that in our current situation to be pushing forward, living on without meaning, without enough reason to breathe. Like a real walking dead.

I wouldn’t have known about Schrodinger’s cat if it wasn’t for her. She was the one who showed me the book, or at least a few pages of it. I guess all I can do is wait it off. She’s running this experiment and I just have to wait till’ she’s ready. Opening the box in time is up to us and hopefully the cat is still alive. I’ll be waiting.

The Successful Attempt (That Failed For The Better)

It was time to jump, it's time. And so I told my self. And so I did. It hurt at first, the tight press through the throat, the chocking, and the struggling. It's not what I thought it would be like. No life passing before your eyes or time slowing down. It was as real a moment that it could have been. Then everything started to turn black and the feeling of my feet struggling grew faint. Then it was dark.

Not sure how long it has passed, but it should have just been a few minutes. I felt something cold pressed upon my face and i started to open my eyes. I was just on the floor of our house, right by the door to my room. The belt still around my neck but somehow no longer on the pull-up bar on my doorway. I guess it couldn't hold my weight, or i didn't do something properly.

Then i heard footsteps coming toward my direction. I tried to stand but i couldn't feel my legs so i crawled to my room as fast as I could and tried to close the door. But the door wouldn't close and I heard a woman's voice telling me to open the door. Obviously, I couldn't or wouldn't. They meant the same thing at that moment. The voice told me that everything is okay or was it going to be okay. I just told her that I love her.

I woke up this morning trying to feel. yes, i feel my bruises, my wound on my knee, my bruised everything. It took a while for me to remember that i had a heart. I got up to wash my face and as I did, I did not recognize my self. I think I look like an alien of some sort. I looked pathetic, I am.

I went out for a cigarette right after that and decided to walk. Nothing seemed to be moving. The ants that moved I killed and the people who passed me by seemed to avoid me. Maybe it's the way I look today or the way I walked. I'm just trying to figure things out now. I know that I will never take this ring off. Over my cold dead body.

I just got back in my room. I've never written a journal, so I decided to write something about my day. Today is 16 Feb 2011 12:26pm.

It's now 7:56pm. I'm feeling a bit better. I spent my whole day on the sofa, not really watching television but it was on. still is, and still on the sofa right now. I've been looking at her photos again. I remember how all those days made me feel. I still love her dearly. Also received a few text messages from her. I replied of course. A few hours later I decided to tell her that I still believe that she's meant for me as I am meant for her. She didn't reply. Also had a few text messages from two friends, they are great human beings. I had a visit from a friend who is also my trainer. He tried to cheer me up. I told him of what I did last night, He then offered to train me on how to meditate.

I haven't eaten anything at all this day except for crackers. I just feel like throwing up when I look at food right now. I'm hungry. The days about to end with me sleeping this off. I can only wish that she'll come back to me. I'm going to try to pray later. I hope God listens. I won't ask for anything else again. I'm thinking I'm being selfish but I don't know what else to do as of this moment. I remember one of my friend's messages earlier today. He told me that if I really believe she's worth it, then I should give one last fight. I will, just not now. I have to compose my self and gain something she would want to come back to me for. Yes, I love her that much. I will pray now then go to sleep.

16 Feb 2011 8:09pm

Yes, It's Not You I Long For (I apologize)

Along came the sun so inviting

But it is burning me

Bright and yellow and warm

It hurts my eyes and I cannot see

The wind whispers it's name

Though I cannot make anything out of it

The clouds rush in pale gloom

It was all the reason I needed to quit

There is no answer because there is no question

I have found poetry beautiful but empty

But It's what I have come to chase

An endless path to nowhere

16 March 2008

Relapse

And when the scent is gone

No better are the days that promises nothing

And when the earth shakes

Nothing is feared.

After the last relapse

of the broken path of pain

There is still and only you

Why must one detest and not care?

Under the eyes of the gods we have wrapped our souls to one

And even though I am in your cold silence.

There is still and only you.

8:30am 24 Feb 2011

The King Without

There are battles ahead and dragons to slay

There is more that awaits

yet I have already failed

I am strong, I need more strength

I need to remember my footing

I need to be in my place

But my shield, my spear, and my sword are in hand

These are but tools to wage wars

To fight needs me something different

I have not what it is

There is no land to take or riches to gain

I am a king without a queen

What is there to be in battle for?

My queen, she is my life, my purpose

My eyes have not laid rest on anything else

My queen, come back to me.

8:36pm 25 Feb 2011