It was time to jump, it's time. And so I told my self. And so I did. It hurt at first, the tight press through the throat, the chocking, and the struggling. It's not what I thought it would be like. No life passing before your eyes or time slowing down. It was as real a moment that it could have been. Then everything started to turn black and the feeling of my feet struggling grew faint. Then it was dark.
Not sure how long it has passed, but it should have just been a few minutes. I felt something cold pressed upon my face and i started to open my eyes. I was just on the floor of our house, right by the door to my room. The belt still around my neck but somehow no longer on the pull-up bar on my doorway. I guess it couldn't hold my weight, or i didn't do something properly.
Then i heard footsteps coming toward my direction. I tried to stand but i couldn't feel my legs so i crawled to my room as fast as I could and tried to close the door. But the door wouldn't close and I heard a woman's voice telling me to open the door. Obviously, I couldn't or wouldn't. They meant the same thing at that moment. The voice told me that everything is okay or was it going to be okay. I just told her that I love her.
I woke up this morning trying to feel. yes, i feel my bruises, my wound on my knee, my bruised everything. It took a while for me to remember that i had a heart. I got up to wash my face and as I did, I did not recognize my self. I think I look like an alien of some sort. I looked pathetic, I am.
I went out for a cigarette right after that and decided to walk. Nothing seemed to be moving. The ants that moved I killed and the people who passed me by seemed to avoid me. Maybe it's the way I look today or the way I walked. I'm just trying to figure things out now. I know that I will never take this ring off. Over my cold dead body.
I just got back in my room. I've never written a journal, so I decided to write something about my day. Today is 16 Feb 2011 12:26pm.
It's now 7:56pm. I'm feeling a bit better. I spent my whole day on the sofa, not really watching television but it was on. still is, and still on the sofa right now. I've been looking at her photos again. I remember how all those days made me feel. I still love her dearly. Also received a few text messages from her. I replied of course. A few hours later I decided to tell her that I still believe that she's meant for me as I am meant for her. She didn't reply. Also had a few text messages from two friends, they are great human beings. I had a visit from a friend who is also my trainer. He tried to cheer me up. I told him of what I did last night, He then offered to train me on how to meditate.
I haven't eaten anything at all this day except for crackers. I just feel like throwing up when I look at food right now. I'm hungry. The days about to end with me sleeping this off. I can only wish that she'll come back to me. I'm going to try to pray later. I hope God listens. I won't ask for anything else again. I'm thinking I'm being selfish but I don't know what else to do as of this moment. I remember one of my friend's messages earlier today. He told me that if I really believe she's worth it, then I should give one last fight. I will, just not now. I have to compose my self and gain something she would want to come back to me for. Yes, I love her that much. I will pray now then go to sleep.
16 Feb 2011 8:09pm
0 comments:
Post a Comment