The Prayer of Defeat

God, why must you do this to me?

Am I not tormented enough?

Should I be expecting more?

Oh God, take me away.

I have not let go of any weight this world has given me.

And I cannot carry anymore.

Take me away, or take away my burdens.

Make the water still and the noise fade.

Take away everything but take ME away as well.

I cannot be completely happy knowing what I know.

And the world just keeps falling.

I did my best, I have not done my time.

Yet I have done enough for the time I'm bound.

I can only feel the bad and worse.

I don't remember the good anymore.

1 March 2011 1:50am

Truth

You think you know truth?

I have shown you truth.

I can still show some more.

This is truth,

The lies I had to hear and had to say

to keep our truth at it's place.

After, there is but malice in the grave

I did not help you dig.

Pity, grieve and applaud

the clown has risen.

Pretend to keep what's right

and assume lies as the gentlest whisper.

These were not ours.

These became ours.

Come back to me.

With truth or with lies.

Truth be told, I can go another round.

28 Feb 2011

Prepare For Not Being Prepared

It was not an unusual night. There was the cold breeze, the darkness, and some people walking by who looked like they were part of a movie set. There was this particular woman, wearing a white dress that night. It‘s hard to describe exactly what she was wearing. It was simple and elegant. She was beautiful in her simplicity. She reminded me of garden party scenes. Someone you know would be easy to love and easy marry.

I noticed it was late, so I knew I had to be going home. I decided to go to a bar and get a beer. Just one beer wouldn’t hurt; I was not in a hurry for anything. This proves how pointless my opening statement was.

At the bar, there were more foreigners than natives and for some reason I felt more comfortable. At least I didn’t have to worry about anyone I know seeing me at that time. There was this man, though. He was also a foreigner. You know how open they are to just talk to anyone? Well, he did talk to me. I sort of didn’t mind but I was hearing him blabber about his daughter and how beautiful she was and how single she was too. Now, that may be fine but I really wasn’t interested. I didn’t know how to give him a “leave me alone” gesture that wouldn’t be offensive. And so, I just listened to him talk about everything that I don’t know and have no plans of knowing about. I blanked out of course. Then the inevitable, my one bottle beer turned into two bottles, then three. Later, I was surrounded by foreign women and what seemed to be their husbands near the billiard table. Well, I cannot be entirely sure, but I believe they weren’t all married, because I wouldn’t have my arm around one of the foreign women that night. Yes, I was drunk. I thought I needed to get away before I do anything stupid. I knew where this was going.

So, I tripped and tumbled on my way out of the bar. I think I even bumped my head on one of the posts holding the roof of the walkway. I was trying to remember how much I drank while walking home, just so walking home won’t feel like walking home.

As I neared the place I reside in, I couldn’t help but overhear the arguments of a couple who were just a few meters from me. They were in my path. The man talked argued that the woman cheated first, and the woman argued that she wouldn’t have done that if he wasn’t close enough to another woman that it seemed that he was also cheating. I wasn’t as drunk anymore upon hearing something I would call harsh equality. I tried my best not to look at them but I don’t think they even knew that I was present and was passing by. I thought of the woman I saw earlier that night. You know, the beautiful, elegant woman in white. If only it were that easy. But I know from experience that the love I seek is not the easy love. Yes, easy to fall in-love with, but not so easy as to keep. So, the marriage part, even if I know that I cannot provide what is needed in the physical world. I know I’m ready for everything else. It’s just strange that we, as flawed beings of this universe, always complicate what is already complicated to begin with, when it’s as easy as breathing.

May 2009

I

The gravity of damnation

The crowd of footprints and the senseless conversations

Never occurred it will be gone

Now what?

Where is my noise?

Confined in your temple

Alive and lost for the brightest of days,

and gluttonous beings draw near

Whose words say some minds are resolute and obstinate?

Learned for no cause, a senseless endeavor in all empty space

All chaos intertwined, blindly known

Must be why immortality is "impossible" to grasp

While tears of our unfaithful truths ascend as screams

All that filth

When chivalry is lost, I will no longer be in your courts

When you descend by your own will, it's all yours to pay

This won't end well, but I look forward to facing it

8 May 2009

Waiting

I now know why "breakups" or "cool-offs" are difficult. It's the fact that you wouldn't know how bad or worse things could get in the near future. It’s like Schrodinger’s cat; in the experiment, where a cat is put in a box along with a flask containing poison and a radioactive source, is placed in a sealed box. If an internal Geiger counter detects radiation, the flask is shattered, releasing the poison that kills the cat. Now, you’re going to have to open the box to find out if the cat is dead or alive. You would have to live with the assumption that the cat is still alive or dead. In that sense, the cat is simultaneously alive and dead. Yet, when we look in the box, we see the cat is alive or dead, not both alive and dead. At least that’s according to Copenhegen interpretation.

Looking into the “alive or dead” part of the experiment in relation to my current situation, I will never be sure that she will still have the same feelings that I have for her in the long run of this situation. And she too should be thinking the same of me, at least that’s how I see it. But I will never change my mind about her.

Now, going to the “dead and alive” bit of the example given, I have no clue what so ever to what that means. All I can say is that I interpret that in our current situation to be pushing forward, living on without meaning, without enough reason to breathe. Like a real walking dead.

I wouldn’t have known about Schrodinger’s cat if it wasn’t for her. She was the one who showed me the book, or at least a few pages of it. I guess all I can do is wait it off. She’s running this experiment and I just have to wait till’ she’s ready. Opening the box in time is up to us and hopefully the cat is still alive. I’ll be waiting.

The Successful Attempt (That Failed For The Better)

It was time to jump, it's time. And so I told my self. And so I did. It hurt at first, the tight press through the throat, the chocking, and the struggling. It's not what I thought it would be like. No life passing before your eyes or time slowing down. It was as real a moment that it could have been. Then everything started to turn black and the feeling of my feet struggling grew faint. Then it was dark.

Not sure how long it has passed, but it should have just been a few minutes. I felt something cold pressed upon my face and i started to open my eyes. I was just on the floor of our house, right by the door to my room. The belt still around my neck but somehow no longer on the pull-up bar on my doorway. I guess it couldn't hold my weight, or i didn't do something properly.

Then i heard footsteps coming toward my direction. I tried to stand but i couldn't feel my legs so i crawled to my room as fast as I could and tried to close the door. But the door wouldn't close and I heard a woman's voice telling me to open the door. Obviously, I couldn't or wouldn't. They meant the same thing at that moment. The voice told me that everything is okay or was it going to be okay. I just told her that I love her.

I woke up this morning trying to feel. yes, i feel my bruises, my wound on my knee, my bruised everything. It took a while for me to remember that i had a heart. I got up to wash my face and as I did, I did not recognize my self. I think I look like an alien of some sort. I looked pathetic, I am.

I went out for a cigarette right after that and decided to walk. Nothing seemed to be moving. The ants that moved I killed and the people who passed me by seemed to avoid me. Maybe it's the way I look today or the way I walked. I'm just trying to figure things out now. I know that I will never take this ring off. Over my cold dead body.

I just got back in my room. I've never written a journal, so I decided to write something about my day. Today is 16 Feb 2011 12:26pm.

It's now 7:56pm. I'm feeling a bit better. I spent my whole day on the sofa, not really watching television but it was on. still is, and still on the sofa right now. I've been looking at her photos again. I remember how all those days made me feel. I still love her dearly. Also received a few text messages from her. I replied of course. A few hours later I decided to tell her that I still believe that she's meant for me as I am meant for her. She didn't reply. Also had a few text messages from two friends, they are great human beings. I had a visit from a friend who is also my trainer. He tried to cheer me up. I told him of what I did last night, He then offered to train me on how to meditate.

I haven't eaten anything at all this day except for crackers. I just feel like throwing up when I look at food right now. I'm hungry. The days about to end with me sleeping this off. I can only wish that she'll come back to me. I'm going to try to pray later. I hope God listens. I won't ask for anything else again. I'm thinking I'm being selfish but I don't know what else to do as of this moment. I remember one of my friend's messages earlier today. He told me that if I really believe she's worth it, then I should give one last fight. I will, just not now. I have to compose my self and gain something she would want to come back to me for. Yes, I love her that much. I will pray now then go to sleep.

16 Feb 2011 8:09pm

Yes, It's Not You I Long For (I apologize)

Along came the sun so inviting

But it is burning me

Bright and yellow and warm

It hurts my eyes and I cannot see

The wind whispers it's name

Though I cannot make anything out of it

The clouds rush in pale gloom

It was all the reason I needed to quit

There is no answer because there is no question

I have found poetry beautiful but empty

But It's what I have come to chase

An endless path to nowhere

16 March 2008

Relapse

And when the scent is gone

No better are the days that promises nothing

And when the earth shakes

Nothing is feared.

After the last relapse

of the broken path of pain

There is still and only you

Why must one detest and not care?

Under the eyes of the gods we have wrapped our souls to one

And even though I am in your cold silence.

There is still and only you.

8:30am 24 Feb 2011

The King Without

There are battles ahead and dragons to slay

There is more that awaits

yet I have already failed

I am strong, I need more strength

I need to remember my footing

I need to be in my place

But my shield, my spear, and my sword are in hand

These are but tools to wage wars

To fight needs me something different

I have not what it is

There is no land to take or riches to gain

I am a king without a queen

What is there to be in battle for?

My queen, she is my life, my purpose

My eyes have not laid rest on anything else

My queen, come back to me.

8:36pm 25 Feb 2011